Studies have shown that exposure to Ann Widdecombe at an impressionable age is strongly correlated with homosexuality in adult men. ‘I remember when I was a kid seeing her being interviewed on TV, about leaving the Church of England because they allowed women priests, or something equally stupid,’ said Dean MacGregor of Camden. ‘I just felt something inside me change.’
‘Obviously I realise most women – all right, all women – are more attractive than her. But still, somehow, since seeing her I just can’t face the thought of being with any woman in that way.’ Encouraged by this result, researchers are now looking into the question of whether exposure to Michael Gove turns women into lesbians. ‘It’s certainly what did it for me,’ confirmed his wife.