Donald Trump: Parting thoughts from the UK

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Both sides were partly to blame in the Second World War 2, whose end we celebrate today. We welcome Mrs Merton of the Germans, but a hundred years ago she would have been wearing the little moustache of the Adolf Chaplin guy you see shouting in the old silent black and white movie. Listen you gotta look at this from both sides, like what happened in Charlottesville in my great country.

Alphonse Hitler had his own Mexican problem, you know what I’m saying? Did you see my fingers go up in the air when I said ‘Mexican Problem’ to make the air punctuation thing? Sure you did. Only he left it too late to build a wall, so he had a war instead. Killed a lot of people. So these old guys here with the medals, who were pretending to be on vacation on these beaches, but were really like commandos from a Quintin Tarantula movie, they’re great. But it was like violence on both sides, like I said at Charlottesville. Which sounds kinda French, doesn’t it?

By the way the beaches we have back in Florida are far better than these ones you have in Normansville, here. And those beaches in Florida, that’s where we set sail from back in the sixties to hit the beardy guy on the island, the one they named a motor oil after. You get a lot of history on beaches, sometimes. Also, jellyfish. Old Beardy – we got him! Remember? Great cigars, lousy barber. What is it with the bad guys and the beards and moustaches? You Brexies better ask Jeremy. I mean nasty Jeremy, not nice Jeremy.

I’m a bit sad to go without seeing the Brexit. Listen I understand it’s probably under lock and key in the Leaning Tower of London or Buckingham Castle. But if I could only take a close look at this Brexit of yours, I may be able to think of a way to fix it. Or how ’bout this? I could take it back home in Airforce – wait there’s a number here I gotta remember for after ‘Airforce.’

Anyhow, I could take the Brexit back in my big presidential plane and get the technical guys back home to take a look. Not the CIA. They’re against me. But other men with three letters. Some of which I can’t remember at this time. Listen, I totally get it that the Brexit has malfunctioned and the cheese and sausage-eating guys across the little sea, they blame you Brits. But nothing can’t be fixed without 2 things. a: money, or two: a lawsuit. Or three: war!

Wait, I gotta idea! We secretly take the Brexit back to the US of another letter. We don’t get checked at customs! But – get this – we leave like a totally dummy Brexit in its place! A total forgery! Looks like the Brexit. Smells like the Brexit. Isn’t the Brexit. The guys who can’t speak English in Europe will go crazy in their languages when they find out. And what can they do? But listen, the deal would be if we can fix the little Brexit of yours in a secret location, the United States can use the Brexit too without asking the Boris guy. And in return we take over your National Health Station and run it like a McDonalds. See how ya like that, Jeremy!

One! That was the number I was looking for. One Airforce. It eluded me, temporarily. And I mean nice Jeremy, not nasty Jeremy. And I am proud to say that the relationship the United States has with your Untidy Kingdom is so special, and I told the Prince guy I’m sorry about your climate but there’s nothing we can do to change that, I’m sorry. No wait. I did mean nasty Jeremy. He’s going to get real annoyed with my plan. Which I’ll remember in a minute and tell you about.

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Posted: Jun 7th, 2019 by

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