Pretend Prime Minister Theresa May has privately admitted that she invited Donald Trump for a state visit in the week of the 75th anniversary of the D-Day landings for a laugh, knowing she would be out on her arse immediately afterwards. Furthermore, she has revealed that she only hung on in power this long to see it out in style.
‘I knew the game was up when we lost the first meaningful vote on Brexit in the Commons,’ she said, taking a long-postponed drag on a twelve-inch spliff. ‘I mean, they only went and acted like it was really meant to be meaningful. Philip urged me to go while I still had some dignity left, so I looked at the calendar to decide when and thought “Bingo”. Plus I couldn’t take the risk of letting Boris host – he might have started dry-humping Melania in a side room at the palace and triggered a nuclear war. I like a good joke, as you’ve just seen, but not that much.’
Many people have criticised the PM for casting a cloud over the celebrations of the events that liberated Europe from a megalomaniac with dodgy hair by inviting over a megalomaniac with dodgy hair. However, she has hit back, saying that these people have completely missed the point.
‘We went to war to save the Empire and keep the Conservative Party in power,’ May said, draining a glass of virgin’s blood to keep her skin healthy. ‘Then the troops came back in 1945 and voted en masse for the most radical Labour government ever. We’re stuck with the NHS to this bloody day. So what better way to mark the anniversary than get Donald over talking about how he’s going to take it over once we’ve done Brexit. How I kept a straight face during that one is beyond me.’
‘And furthermore, for the benefit of those who are having a go at me for inflicting on the Queen a man who’s talked openly about banging her grandchildren’s mother – well, of course I did. Can you imagine the humiliation of having to sit with her twice a week and make small talk when she knows I can’t? Serves the old bag right. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to change into those brown leather trousers and I advise you all to invest in a pair yourselves. You’re going to need them. Tossers.’