The Class A drug cocaine has distanced itself from accusations that Michael Gove’s erratic and maniacal behaviour was the result of anything other than too much Michael Gove. It insisted that it had not gone anywhere near his ‘wine-soaked conk’ and that Mr. Gove’s policies were more likely the result of LSD or ADHD. Cocaine is normally taken nasally, whereas a Gove is expelled anally. Doctors warn of bleeding, itching, plus an increased chance of cardiac death – and apparently the side effects of cocaine are almost as bad.
Repeated exposure to Gove can result in paranoia, prolonged bouts of depression, followed by a Tory leadership election. Regular users suffer delusions of grandeur but only by comparison. A spokeswoman for cocaine remarked: ‘Sweaty, large pupils and gaping nostrils – and that’s before he met us. Ever experience being stuffed into the bowel of drug mule, stuck on a long haul flight from Colombia, followed by a painful cavity search? Trust me, nothing prepares you for Michael Gove’.