Dissatisfied with the Conservative Party’s recent performance in government, lead singer of the Happy Mondays, Shaun Ryder, has declared his intention to enter the race to become party leader and Prime F***ing Minister.
Campaign rival Michael Gove has confessed he ‘deeply regrets’ using cocaine two decades ago, but he is not alone. Boris Johnson admitted to GQ magazine in 2007 he tried cocaine and cannabis as a teenager. ‘I tried it at university and I remember it vividly. And it achieved no pharmacological, psychotropic or any other effect on me whatsoever.’
‘B***ocks!’ countered the Salfordian songster. ‘I had cocaine and cannabis as a teenager and woke up one day with sunlight streaming into my flat because the Bison I’d forgotten we’d nicked two nights earlier from Chester Zoo was eating my f***ing curtains. But it had no effect on me whatsoever.’
‘Politicians like to call themselves party people. I think they’re forgetting the Happy Mondays were the party people, 24 hours a day without summer recess.’
Now a clean-living family man with his wild days behind him, Shaun is focusing on a political career: ‘I’ve written my Tory manifesto down on the back of a fag packet, it says: ‘Number one; stop being knobheads!’’
‘Obviously I can’t do any campaigning live on Channel 4 due to being banned by name in their compliance manual. Let’s see how long that lasts when I’m top f***ing dog handing out charters.’
Asked what he’d do about Brexit if he was PM, Ryder was forthright: ‘Id give it to a bunch of mum’s on a Friday after school. Chuck in a crate of fizz, and it’ll be sorted by Love Island on Sunday, backstop an’ all!’
Commenting further: ‘If the criteria for becoming Prime Minister is to have got off your tits in the nineties – point me to number ten. The only difference with me is; I didn’t make a f***ing album about how bad drugs were when I was Minister for Music!’