‘Hallo, everyone! Chris here. Grayling. And I want to tell you why I say Boris for leader. Easy. He’s fun! I mean look at all the funny names he has for, well I always find it hard to find the right word. But Boris, with his classical education and his ready wit calls them ‘piccaninnies’! With ‘Watermelon smiles!’ That’s enough to make me smile and fancy a slice of watermelon!
Once me and some other Ministers of State popped round to Boris’s ‘pad’ on the spur of the moment and he’d obviously been giving some kind of seminar, because there was chalk dust all over the table! That chalk dust said it all. That’s the kind of guy he is. A learned man, fond of old-fashioned teaching methods that hark back to Eton.
The thing was when he opened the door to us he had his trousers on back to front. My guess is that he was playing the ‘funny teacher’ to help drive home his message about the Conservatives and the business community. And the Young Conservative girls he was helping seemed to enjoy it! (or were they from the business community?) Anyway they left pretty smartish when they saw me and some other very important VIP’s arrive!
Now a lot of people say Boris doesn’t have an eye for detail. But once I was round at his house and he had a beautiful scale model of a bridge on the drawing room table. It had tiny trees and tiny bushes and teeny tiny people on it. Even tiny teeny little dogs. Talk about detail! I think he’d made it himself and I was just about to get out my favourite ‘Dinky’ to put it on the bridge to see if it was to scale when in came THAT WOMAN FROM ‘ISN’T IT FABULOUS DARLING! ON TV!!!’ You know, the blonde one who my mother said was in the Hillman Avengers back in the sixties. Anyway, she and Boris had been playing bridges all afternoon and when he said ‘straddle the Thames’ she giggled quite charmingly, mainly at the word ‘straddled’. And he explained in some detail why the blond woman was there, and how one day the bridge would actually be built in real life and she asked me to put away my Dinky.
I think he said the woman was called Barbara Windsor, which, with all the royal associations in that name, does not surprise me. Although, looking back to the chalk and talk business lecture, I can’t remember there being a blackboard, but then I don’t have his eye for detail at all, sadly. And I should say when Diana Dors said to me ‘put your little Dinky away’ she wasn’t being rude. It was because they said they weren’t going to have cars on the bridge. Which I thought was odd, particularly as I was Transport Minister at the time.
So – to sum up. Boris and why I think he’s the right man: Eye for detail: Tick. Well connected: Tick. A bit old fashioned: Tick. Close relations with business: Tick. Well connected: Tick. Fun! Double tick!’