Ex-SAS soldier, but not really, and inexplicable TV personality, Bear Grylls has been awarded an OBE, for services to – amongst other putrid activities – drinking faecal liquid drained from an elephant’s humungous turd.
Grylls said: ‘The art of literally eating excrement and drinking p*ss for the purposes of entertainment has long been ignored, so this is a true vindication’.
‘My ability to scoop out the inners of a snake to store my own urine in the presence of a film crew with loads of bottled water, is definitely as worthy as taking on the responsibility of fostering hundreds of children’.
‘I am also glad that my talent of using a sheep’s dead corpse as both a sleeping bag and flotation device for no valid reason is now deemed as worthy as Olivia Colman winning an Oscar’.
When Grylls was informed that the award was also related to his services to young people in his role of Chief Scout, he said: ‘I’m a what? Utter b****cks. I’m no boy scout. I’m f*cking Rambo,’ screamed Grylls, before he placed his hand in a deep fat frier. Then ate it.