Female footballers are to be schooled in spouting meaningless rubbish to the media in a new initiative to bridge the capability gap between them and their male counterparts. It follows a shameful incident in the FIFA Women’s World Cup in which a player failed to answer a banal question regarding her feelings about scoring a goal with: ‘I’m over the moon but at the end of the day it’s all about the three points.’
Instead, she spoke eloquently about her emotions and went on to describe the goal using well-constructed sentences. An FA spokesman explained that the course was all about leveling the playing field: ‘Women should not be demonstrating their intelligence, imagination and extended vocabulary when talking about the game,’ he said. ‘They need to be taught the finer points of describing a win as a dream come true and how to express the view that a defeat makes them as sick as a parrot.’
The course is likely to be extended to female football pundits who are currently ruining the FIFA Women’s World Cup experience for many viewers with their combination of insightful analysis, tactical awareness and thorough knowledge of the game. The training will be demanding and all students will be expected to give 110% although it will be easier for those who have a good engine. The curriculum will comprise of two modules, thereby making it a game of two halves, although the students will be instructed to take it one lesson at a time.