Zuckerberg launches “Faceblood” ‘purely to help haemophiliacs’

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Mark Zuckerberg has insisted that Facebook’s new blood transfusion service is a charitable venture aimed at the world’s haemophiliacs, and not at all an attempt to monopolise supply of what is literally the lifeblood of the world.

The popular burgundy plasma flows in the bodies of an estimated 7.5bn people, who depend on it for their everyday survival.

‘The poor of the world lack access to clean blood for medical procedures. This is a life-threatening crisis that we can solve,’ said Mr Zuckerberg. “So all we are asking is for everyone else in the world to sign the rights to their blood over to Facebook.’

‘Obviously, there is no way we would ever start charging you to get your own blood back, sell your blood group data to private healthcare and insurance companies for, like, literally hundreds of billions of dollars…, or siphon it off for our Board of Directors to drink in the hours of darkness (Pacific Time). We promise.’

‘You can trust us now, really,’ he added. ‘We’ve put Nick Clegg in charge.’

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Posted: Jun 20th, 2019 by

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