Medical professionals have applauded MP Mark Field’s valiant man-handling of a Greenpeace protestor, using his best Sith-Lord throat-massage. The Foreign Office minister’s life-saving procedure, involved smashing the young woman against a pillar and bruising her shoulders and arms – or an act of ‘rumpy pumpy’ as Boris Johnson calls it.
An eye witness confirmed: ‘The lady in question was clearly choking on her words, unable to properly articulate her protest. Mark instantly sprung into action with a medically-sanctioned strangulation, followed by a therapeutic assault.’
A spokeswoman with St. John’s ambulance said: ‘Mr. Field was absolutely correct, if you see someone struggling to breath you should punch them in the stomach and then shake them by their ankles. Face slapping is optional, but the preferred option is to bellow at them until they cry’.
Friends of Mr. Field said he was too modest to accept the praise: ‘Assaulting a young woman in public? Mark, just did what any self-respecting Tory would do’.