A German born man in London was praised by the Metropolitan Police today for defending himself from a woman walking behind him armed with a mobile phone and wearing a sash.
‘She could have garroted me with the sash if she’d taken it off, wrapped it around my neck fifteen times and pulled really hard,’ he stated today, ‘and then taken a selfie of me dying. If she’d then uploaded that selfie to my constituency web-page my reputation as a breathing Member of Parliament would have been ruined,’ said the man.
‘Members of the public should not walk behind other members of the public holding mobile phones and wearing dangerous clothes,’ said a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police. ‘Instinctive self defence is justified in all cases where the instinctive member of the public is also a Minister in the House of Commons. Everyone else should, obviously, get over themselves or at least drink less,’ he added.