Future of Brexit to be decided by hand-to-Hans combat

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Leaked details have begun to emerge of plans that could see Britain’s future in Europe decided by mortal combat between the various warring sides.

The plans, discovered on laptop thrown from a Camberwell window on Friday night, could see our new Prime Minister invoke an ancient Act from 1545. Constitutional experts believe that this antiquated but unrevoked statute might allow a Parliamentary stalemate to broken by the ancient tradition of hand-to-hand combat.

“This may have been put in place by Henry VIII when he was thinking of ditching Catherine Parr” suggested Parliamentary historian Simon Winstanley. “Whatever the original reason, it is still in force and could see our Brexit stalemate broken. By force if necessary.”

It is thought that the statute does not allow for the appointment of “champions” and so each side in the gridlocked debate would be forced to fight their own corner in a very literal way. Few MPs were apparently aware of this potential plan but a “heads-up” may have been circulated among a select band of Tory Brexiteers. Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was seen leaving Anthony Joshua’s BRX gym on Monday night, was quoted as saying “some MPs are taking the prospect pretty seriously. They have been training hard and in fact some have even been taking their training home with them.

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Posted: Jun 26th, 2019 by

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