Tragedy was averted yesterday when a backpacker was saved from certain, gravity-based death by his unnaturally large head. Benjamin Travis, who lists his interests on Facebook as, ‘living without fear’, ‘choosing happiness’ and ‘heroic quantities of South-East Asian hashish’, became wedged head-first in a vertigo-inducing precipice during a hiking trip in China’s Wudang mountains.
It is believed that Travis lost his footing whilst finding the right angle for a selfie which would make it appear the monastery on the mountain opposite him was a tiny, weeny, baby monastery he could hold in the palm of his hand. Followers on Tumblr became suspicious when he hadn’t updated his feed in a whole hour and a trail of overexposed Instagram photos led rescue workers directly to his location.
‘Travis’s head is certainly larger than average,’ said biologist Simon McKenna. ‘We can trace this to the time he quit his job to follow his true passion of glorified homelessness. See here, this post marked, ‘possession are just things,’ where he is selling off the Porsche his parents bought him for his birthday. His beanie hat struggles to contain his engorged cranium, like a condom over a basketball; in his previous photos it fit him perfectly.’
‘It’s becoming a real problem for us,’ agreed tourism minister Fan Zheng. ‘Western travellers used to be protected by an impenetrable bubble of white privilege, but recently this seems to be wearing away, perhaps on account of the migrant crisis. When will people learn, nature is not your friend: It’s not all ‘Pooh-Sticks-and-Eeyore-making-tea-in-the-Hundred-Acre-Wood’ – nature wants you dead and to strewn your entrails like wrong tinsel over its sacred places.’
‘We can’t make barriers big enough. No matter how many signs we put up they find a way through. It’s almost like they don’t think the rules apply to them,’ commented safety officer Niu Peng. ‘It’s hitting the barrier makers hard. They believe it’s their fault because their products lack authority. One man even had to be rescued after attempting to hang himself on his own red velvet rope.’
This incident is the latest in a spate of globetrotting bumblefuckery by backpackers, such as the American tourist savage by a leopard she lured it into her car because it looked lonely and the gap-year student who became trapped in an oven at Auschwitz whilst doing ‘research’ for her baking blog.