In a surprise conciliatory move Tory leadership hopeful Boris Johnson has welcomed what he describes as the “EU’s eminently sensible regulations on noises to be emitted by electric vehicles in order to enhance their road safety”.
“I myself will be fully complying with these regulations as soon as possible by having my first electric vehicle fitted with a bespoke noise. I would like it to be able to warn other road users of my approach by emitting the noise of a turd being produced. I think the most effective sound would be that of loud rasping fart but there is also scope to add more subtle variations – such as the splash of the offending projectile hitting the water in the bottom of the pan. It would be good to have ‘wiffle’ and ‘wiff waff’ sounds too”
A spokesman for the EU welcomed Mr Johnson’s constructive ideas but suggested that the “soon to be resurrected Morris Marina post Brexit had cornered the turd hitting the pan sound already.”