The BBC has announced that the new format for the Tory party leadership debate will be an enormous booze-up at Boris Johnson’s flat, followed by a full-on screaming match and the throwing of cutlery.
Boris Johnson has formally invited Jeremy Hunt to come over to his for 4 or 5 bottles of pinot, after which an all-in ding-dong will take place. After the police have been called and told that absolutely nothing untoward has happened, a winner will be declared by his neighbour after listening back to his recordings from a room tunnelled under Boris’s basement.
‘Fuck this TV studio bullshit,’ said Mr Johnson. ‘Let’s thrash out whether there should be a soft no-deal Brexit or a total Fuck-You Juncker and your £39 Billion Brexit in a proper civilised fashion, like when me and the Missus were having a slight disagreement over Love Island or Question Time on the telly. I mean duh, fucking Love Island, no-brainer sorry Carrie.’
Jeremy Hunt has accepted the format, and is bracing himself for a huge night of very frequent and deliberate mispronunciation of his last name by Boris. He’s been preparing for the debate by going out on the lash every night with his mates, before smearing lipstick and perfume all over himself, returning home at 2am and demanding that his wife cook him a quick nosh-up, then trying on some hanky-panky while calling her by another name.
‘It’s been pretty intense training, but it’s getting me ready for what I think Boris might literally throw at me,’ said Hunt. ‘It’s actually quite difficult to discuss the finer points of international trade deals and the Irish backstop while the Missus is going absolutely mental, and basically trying to kill me, but so long as you keep moving backwards and don’t get backed into any corners it’s not too bad.’