The owners of Britain’s tanning emporia are holding emergency talks today as evidence accumulates that the rise in global temperatures could ravage the industry. They have called on the government to act quickly before places with names like Tantastic and We-bbq-u become derelict ghost buildings.
“Up until now, we considered climate change a trivial matter, involving nothing more serious than the disappearance of a few thousand rare species and sea levels rising a couple of feet”, says Mark Ogden, head of the Confederation of Complexion Enhancement Providers. “But now Mother Nature is hitting back and making us redundant. The government needs to guarantee a minimum of 200 cold and cloudy days a year if our way of life is to survive.
Frankly, if people can just go out and lie in the sun until the skin on their backs is fit to be made into a handbag, it marks the death knell for our industry”.
Representatives of the industry have begged Britons not to let the onset of tropical temperatures diminish their enthusiasm for bombarding themselves with ultra-violet light in contraptions resembling mirror-lined sarcophagi. “It’s not that you can’t get all the benefits of skin cancer and a firebrick complexion from natural light”, argues Mr Ogden. “But there are certain things only the British sunbed industry can provide. Like renting a pair of Chinese-made goggles that’ll probably make you go blind, or having the sweaty salon manager perv at you through a two-way mirror”.