Following the minority Conservative government’s so-called ‘confidence and supply’ deal with the DUP to buy the support of the DUP’s ten MPs at £100 million each for two years, a number of opposition MPs are also offering to sell their democratically elected souls for the same constituency-pimping price on the basis they may as well for all the difference it’s ever going to make.
One Labour MP, who said that he wishes to remain on the back benches, said: ‘Yeah, sod it, for a hundred million they can have my Commons vote. I mean, it’s not as if it’s much use to me in our Parliament’s system of first-past-the-post dictatorship. That money would go a long way in, er, whatever shithole it is I represent.’
‘Hell, I’ll even vote with the Tory shits to bring back fox hunting if that’s what they want. Obviously, like any decent human being, I’m against it, but just a fraction of that silly money could pay to move all of my constituency’s foxes into luxury dens with hunt alarms and anti-hound doors. Not that I’d spend any of the money on foxes, you understand. That would be a bit weird.’
The Conservatives are banking that their billion-pound buy-out of the DUP will give them a working majority of thirteen seats. However, with a party full of potential rebels on almost every issue, some Tory insiders are predicting that Prime Minister Theresa May will suffer buyer’s remorse sooner rather than later.
‘A billion is a lot of money,’ said shock Environment Secretary Michael Gove. ‘It may have bought us a bit of time but, as any fool knows, if you pay blackmailers once then they’ll just keep coming back for more and more. You mark my words, the slippery buggers will soon be demanding Cabinet positions, and then where will we be?’
‘Oh shut up.’