Jeremy Kyle fails to sort out Henry VIII’s love life

'Grab him by the Hamptons!'

TV host Jeremy Kyle has admitted defeat in his bold attempt to distract Tudor monarch Henry VIII from his bid to divorce his middle-aged wife and overthrow the authority of the Papacy. The episode, entitled ‘You Had Sex With My Dead Brother, You Slag, Now God Won’t Give Me Any Sons’, is due to be aired next Wednesday.

Spanish-born Cath had contacted the show complaining that Henry had left her for a much younger strumpet after nearly 20 years of marriage, because she had originally married his older brother Arthur, who died a few weeks later and he thought this had caused their marriage to be cursed by the Almighty.

‘He finks I shagged Arthur to death but he never touched me,’ Cath told the show. ‘I’m like, 100% I’ll pass the lie detector. And if you ain’t married to me proper, why do you still come in stately procession to my chamber at least once a month? It’s cos that flat-chested [BLEEP] you’ve been after since 1526 ain’t giving you any, innit?’

Confronted by a hostile Kyle, Henry was immediately on the defensive. ‘My mate Wolsey who was a cardinal said that verse in Leviticus – shut the [BLEEP] up – means you can’t have sons if you marry your dead brother’s wife. You can [BLEEP] ask him. Well you can’t, cos he died on the way back from York to get killed for cocking things up but he, like, totally said that,’ the enraged king told the studio audience.

Jeers and calls of ‘Whore!’ erupted as Henry’s new girlfriend Anne strutted onto the stage, flashing her French learning at Cath, who had to be restrained from punching her in the stomacher. After a few summary floggings, order was restored and Kyle revealed that the lie detector test proved Cath to be telling the truth. However, Henry defiantly said that his new mates Cromwell and Cranmer were going to sort it and those [BLEEP] Fisher and More had better not piss him off any worse or the monasteries would totally get done.

‘Sometimes I can’t make people do the right thing,’ Kyle concluded. ‘You go that way,’ he told the sobbing Cath, ‘and our team will help you find a nice nunnery. You two go the other way and Anne, love, don’t lose your head over him, he’s not worth it. Next up, it’s Robert from Leicester, who will ask Liz why she won’t marry him now he’s had his first wife killed by throwing her down the stairs.’

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Posted: Jul 4th, 2019 by

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