Amid a never-ending string of ill-thought-out and rash promises as part of self-serving opportunist Boris Johnson’s bid for the keys to No. 10, comes another that should his campaign succeed, then he will reintroduce compulsory fagging in all Public Schools throughout the land..
He told reporters: ‘I see this as instrumental in my plan to build a better Britain, as having experienced fagging from both sides I can honestly say that it made me the man I am today. One of my Fag Masters, Viscount Rafe Smethurst, once said to me as he tanned my capacious bare backside with a fives bat – “Johnson, you beastly little oik, never forget that damn good beatings, especially those for no apparent reason whatsoever, are what will stand you in good stead in later life. They are what built us an Empire” – and do you know, you know he was absolutely correct.’
‘After that I never once complained whenever he used to use my arse-crack as a toast-rack when giving his Upper 6th chums tea in his study. Indeed I came to quite enjoy the feeling of hot butter oozing around my nether regions.’
We managed to track down Viscount Smethurst who told us: ‘Building an empire on fagging, are you kidding? Fagging was banned at our school. We all just liked smacking him about to be honest. He was such a fearful tick. How he used to squeak and squeal. I mean there are many who’d pay good money to be able to do that these days aren’t there. Haha! What?’