Theresa May ‘in line for Sainthood’


With just weeks left before Theresa May leaves Downing Street for the last time, her backroom staff are working furiously to repair the damage caused by Brexit to her legacy as Prime Minister.

On taking office, despite the tyrannical regime May had put in place at the Home office where a bounty was put on the heads of immigrants and bells were rung and champagne served for every 1000 captured and sent back, May was still considered a moderate.

As Prime Minister however, almost the whole country believes that it was her dithering and stalling that caused the Brexit chaos of the last three years.

The solution, according to her advisers, is a massive campaign of cash giveaways and public appearances by Mrs May where she will mingle openly with the poor, give out divine blessings and lay hands on the sick.

The object according to a Downing Street source is to create an image midway between Lady Diana and Mother Teresa.

On the agenda despite angry exchanges with the treasury and UK arms dealers, May has promised to donate 10% of all profits from the sale of arms used on Yemen civilians to build a chapel bearing her name on a hill overlooking the sea at Eastbourne.

It is hoped that in time, pilgrims will flock to light a candle, lay down some trampled wheat, leave a Teddy Bear and a cash donation and to ask Mother Theresa to intercede on their behalf with the Inland Revenue or Serious fraud office. A number of local florists have come forward with offers of sponsorship.

At her first public appearance, Mrs May appeared at a Food bank in Sunderland wearing what appeared to be some sort of cloak and hood designed by Vivienne Westwood which according to one onlooker made her look more like Supreme Chancellor Palpatine from Star wars than Mother Theresa and a number of frightened,hysterical children had to be removed from the crowd.

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Posted: Jul 6th, 2019 by

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