Having two votes in an election is the most Tory thing you can do

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Thousands of activists have been issued with more than one ballot for the Conservative election – allowing them to have twice as many reasons not to support either candidate. Those who say it undermines democracy, ignore the fact it doubles the chances of a white, Oxbridge millionaire beating another white, Oxbridge, millionaire – which is a democratic as the UK ever gets.

Said one Conservative member: ‘I’ve more than one home, more than one Bentley and more than one testicle – why shouldn’t I have twice the number of votes? Anyway, it’s not strictly two votes, as I also fill out the voting slips for my Latvian gardener, my Polish housemaid and my Swiss accountant.’

Of the 160,000 Conservative Party members eligible to vote, 60,000 are still alive and only 10 of those of sound mind – a rise of 5% from the last Tory election. Demographics show that technically half of all voters are Boris’s ex-wives and the other half he ‘just hasn’t got around to yet’.

While critics argue that having multiple votes is ‘peak Tory’, others say it is just natural selection at work – survival of the richest. Said one: ‘If God had meant us to have one meaningless vote, he’d have made us Lib Dems’.

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Posted: Jul 8th, 2019 by

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