Police were called to a parked car in Surrey around lunchtime today after a member of the public reported seeing a middle aged man left on the back seat of a baking hot car.
A passer by said he peered into the car and saw a man looking agitated and distressed. ‘It was a very hot day’, said Jason Beesley. ‘The car window was cracked open a few inches but it was clearly not enough. His owners hadn’t even left him any water’. Mr Beesley said the man’s tongue was hanging out, his eyes were rolling around his head, his trousers were unbuttoned, his coat was a mess and he was talking inane gibberish.’
‘Then I recognised the man was Boris Johnson and thought nothing more of it….but then I realised it was the heat inside the car causing him distress and not some question about his Brexit policy’, continued Beesley.
The police were called and a window was forced to allow fresh air into the vehicle. ‘When we arrived on the scene the car was already full of hot air, and the occupant was clearly dehydrated and in need of liquid refreshment’, said local policeman Ian Hollingsworth. ‘So we gave him a sip from a bottle of Château Cardinal-Villemaurine and he immediately started to come round.
‘A quick check on the ID collar around his neck showed the man to be a Boris ‘Spaffer’ Johnson;, continued PC Hollingsworth. ‘He started pawing at his genitals, tried to grope the WPC and was mumbling gibberish quotes in Latin. So, of course, we were quite confident then that Mr Johnson had made a full recovery from his ordeal.’
Later Mr.Johnson’s handlers were criticised by the police after admitting they had left the Tory leadership frontrunner on the back seat of their car for over an hour while they took a break for lunch. ‘We were told by Tory HQ to keep little Spaffer on a tight lead’, said one. ‘So we thought the safest thing to do was leave him in the car whenever we needed a break.
‘They said the last thing they want a leadership contender to do was meet members of the public so we left him there’, continued the handler. ‘We had left him a few of his favourite treats – .a copy of Razzle and a 1970’s porn calendar – and told him to be a good boy. He wanted us to put him in the boot but we said no.’