The final test is approaching. Deep beneath Conservative Central Office, two warriors prepare for the ultimate challenge.
According to legend, only the One True Leader will be able to pull Excalibur from the stone. He is the One who will lead the Britons to victory against . . . well, foxes, possibly. Or the EU. It isn’t really specified. An enemy. Maybe it’s badgers? They hate badgers.
Colonel (Retd) Buffington-Buffington Smythe is Keeper of the Sword. “I really thought Iain Duncan-Smith would be the One. He strained and strained but couldn’t do it. Bit like his tenure, really.
“John Major spent an entire weekend down here, took his shirt off and everything. No deal. Oh, sorry, we’re not supposed to say that, are we? The effort made him go quite grey. Never fully recovered”.
The One who wields Excalibur will be gifted with superhuman powers, such as the ability to raise excise duty on fuel without pissing people off, and making modest changes to the VAT rate. He will also swap out the Cabinet table for a circular one, in a symbolic nod to egalitarianism. Although he’ll have the bloody sword, so who does he think he’s kidding?
The last word goes to Colonel (Retd) Buffington-Buffington Smythe. It always does. You really don’t want to get cornered by him in a pub. “My role is to stop wannabes from sneaking in, but I usually let them – it’s a magical sword with unimaginable powers, what could possibly go wrong?”