In a surprise move, the Guild of Trolls has censured President Trump for using his own name when sending online abuse.
“It’s the first rule of Troll Club” said JohnnyTwoStep (not his real name). “You don’t talk about Troll Club. Also, you don’t use your own name. The second rule of Troll Club is: You don’t talk about Troll Club. Also, you don’t use your own name. It all gets pretty repetitive after that”.
Trump’s expulsion came in a ‘Tweet Off’, the traditional punishment for trolls. Tweet Offs have been likened to Rap Battles, but with none of the personality. And nothing rhymes.
Trolls live among normal humans but don’t interact much, preferring isolated environments where they can masturbate and type in private. It isn’t known how they reproduce, though President Trump appears to buy women for breeding purposes.
“Trump’s definitely an outlier”, said John Deacon, a psychologist specialising in online pillocks (also known as a Trollologist). “It isn’t just the name thing, he also has wealth, power and a wife. Most trolls seem to take an oath of chastity and poverty. Either that or they just like wanking and don’t earn much”.
Some scientists fear that Trump might be a mutant, possibly caused by eating plutonium while trolling. “He’s already shown he can reproduce”, said Deacon. “What if he passes on his trolling powers to his offspring? A world of super-trolls – it could be the end of civilisation as we know it. If you can call America civilisation, that is”.
Trollologists point out that Nostradamus predicted the End of Days, saying:
His hair will look ridiculous