“The human body is such an inconvenient shape” said a budget airline spokesman. “We tried making planes the general dimensions of an elongated human so we could stack passengers like Pringles, but before the debut flight crashed some of the passengers complained about such high levels of intimacy with strangers. As I said at the mass funeral, every passenger made a new lifetime friend on that flight – and several were a few minutes pregnant, so lots to celebrate.
“Dismemberment is the obvious solution. Instead of carry-on bags we can stack limbs, torsos etc in the overhead bins. We’ve had to invest in sealed lockers and a special dismembering tool, but we can recoup those costs from the non-dismembered passengers. Just remember to tick the box”, he added with a chuckle. “No, seriously, tick the box”.
Dismembered passengers can travel at a – literally – cut-price rate, though there will be a £50 fee at the destination for re-connection, and some cessation of life might result.
The other great money-saving plan this summer is to send luggage straight to landfill for long-haul flights. “The compensation we have to pay for ‘lost’ luggage is really small”, said a spokesman “and fuel is really expensive. 1,200 miles is the tipping point – any further and it makes financial sense for the conveyor belt to just tip your bags into a hole in the ground. Or for an additional £60 we’ll store your luggage until you return – assuming you make it, obviously”.