Domestic abuse is always carried out humanely says Countryside Alliance

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The Countryside Alliance today hit back at a report by the National Rural Crime Network that found that domestic abuse in the English countryside is leaving victims isolated, unsupported, unprotected and living a rural hell.

Speaking from his 16th Century converted Oast House, Timothy Ponsonby Smythe, a spokesman for the Alliance, said that this was yet another case of Townies that don’t have a clue about country ways and its people.
It’s all very well for some academic in London to sit in their office preaching ,he said, but in the countryside, disobedient feral wives, girlfriends and children have to be disciplined or they would run wild and threaten the idyllic way of life that we’ve enjoyed for centuries.

Farmers that have tilled the soil for generations and stockbrokers down for the weekend, coming home from the pub and bashing up the old gal is a long held and much loved tradition, even the ordinary villagers like to get involved and will gather outside the residence in question to listen to the screams as some beloved spouse is given a good thrashing.
It’s a practice that unites the whole community, he said.

Luckily, we have friends in high places; many of us can look back fondly on the sight of our much loved, outgoing PM, chasing down a terrified Philip as she pursued him through a cornfield before whipping off the belt from her leather trousers and giving him a sound beating.

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Posted: Jul 18th, 2019 by

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