A thirty-year old man who wears beads and sports a man-bun has been unable to leave his flat for the last ten days after mislaying his beard.
Doug Graves, a barista from Shoreditch, feels as if his life is completely falling apart. “It’s been hell,” he explained. “I haven’t been able to go out for overpriced coffee, eat street food or get more tattoos done. I’ve just been stuck in my flat making my own organic yoghurt for the last week and a half. Oh, and blogging about it, obviously.”
Commentators wondered whether it was actually possible for a hipster to live without a beard.
“That’s not really an option. If it was smart-enabled I’d have found it straight away. I was supposed to be going out for a few craft beers with my friends tonight but I reckon that’s gone down the crapper now. It’s starting to have a negative impact on my mental health.”
But Mr Williams, whose hobbies include not wearing socks, liking things only until they become popular and listening to shit music played on acoustic guitars, has not yet given up hope entirely.
“If it doesn’t turn up soon,” he said, “I might have to think about growing the hell up and not acting like such a precious twat. But hopefully it won’t come to that. My beard is all I’ve got. Well, that and my beads and my man-bun. And my iPhone.”