TODAY IN TIME – Throwing up old news in the face of now.

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59 AD – Boudicca calls for a referendum to exit the Roman Empire, but only 52% of Britons support such a dangerous idea.

1946 – New York Hospital announce birth of Baby born with its head wedged up its own
arse,Parents to name child Donald.

1964 – New York doctors announce second child born with it’s head up it’s own arse,
Parents to name child Boris.

1964 – Right after their success with ‘I Want To Hold Your Hand’, The Beatles release ‘I Want To Touch Your Tits’, but critics and some fans say it is far too soon.

1969 – France lands a spacecraft on the Moon, but celebrations are cut short when the 14 crewmen and women die without oxygen, having been supplied with only cheese and wine.

1996 – After visiting Brixton, Nelson Mandela stops in Westminster to scream “bastards” at Conservative MPs for their historic support of Apartheid.

1794 – After more than 17000 field trials, development of the Guillotine Rapid Shave System is abandoned. Failure is blamed on “the wrong type of aristocrats”

1953 – Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay install the first queue barriers and turnstiles on Everest

1996 – Members of the 1966 World Cup winning squad profusely apologise for having triggered 30 years of delusional, unrealistic expectations being placed on all subsequent England teams

2006 – The remaining members of the 1966 World Cup winning squad continue to abase themselves for having triggered 40 years of delusional, unrealistic expectations being placed on all subsequent England teams.

1965 – Capital punishment abolished in Britain,a crazed Ann Widdecombe chains
herself naked to Downing Street railings in protest.

1946 – Rock ‘n’ roll is accidentally invented when music fans throw George Formby and his banjo into a threshing machine.

1979 – Clive Sinclair launches the ZX79 home computer, but static electricity from its users’ nylon shirts and woollen tank tops burns out the machine’s processor.

1963 – Enid Blyton attempts to break into the emerging teenage market with Five Do F*ck All

1978 – The first successful charisma by-pass is carried out on a woman from Eastbourne in Sussex. Miss B_____ believes that her aspiration to become the UK’s second woman Prime Minister would be hampered by any compelling attractiveness and charm .

1066 – An army of French tourists visit Hastings, but no accommodation is available and they are directed to a campsite in nearby Battle.

1502 – Leonardo Da Vinci meets a woman with an enigmatic smile, but she dies in a prototype-helicopter accident before he can paint her portrait.

1989 – The World Wide Web is created when someone with internet access finds an anonymous way to call Tim Berners-Lee a fucking Nazi.

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Posted: Jul 20th, 2019 by

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