The world’s major manufacturers of medicines for depression are facing ruin today as one of their most lucrative global markets, Great Britain, has just been obliterated in one fell swoop following yesterday’s upbeat statement in Parliament by the new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. In what many supporters and commentators are calling ‘a refreshingly positive attitude’ where he pilloried the doom-mongers and pessimists of the loony left, Johnson announced that now he was in charge everything was going to be just fine and dandy.
Civil servant and downbeat ‘gloomster’ Robert Hargreaves said: ‘I had warned that there may be food shortages due to lorries tailing 40 miles back across a hard border at Calais. Now, however, I realise that by believing in Britain we will all mutate into beings of pure light, who will soar on wings of purest gold above such petty concerns, feeding off patriotism and nectar. What a fool I was.’
Suddenly, Project Fear will be confounded and there will be money available for the recruitment of 20,000 new police officers. Similarly 20 new hospitals are going to be built and every household in the land will be given free 5G Broadband, along with a £20 per month penalty handout in perpetuity, from providers who had previously supplied slower-than-advertised speeds, while all new-born babies will be presented with their own personal miniature magic unicorn to provide them with their heart’s desire for the rest of their lives.
One Tory supporter, his trousers heavily soiled with semen stains said: ‘Oh what a wonderful change from drab old dowdy Mrs May. Boris is a true modern marvel and a breath of fresh air, and although I’m aware that the government hasn’t got much cash to splash, nevertheless, I for one, am totally prepared to take it purely on trust that he will do everything he has promised us. I mean he’d look pretty silly if this was all to turn out to be nothing but a hollow sham and a pack of lies, now wouldn’t he?’
Meanwhile GlaxoSmithKline has issued an emergency profit warning to shareholders, and GPs are preparing to hand back their luxury Mercedes cars, as the massive backhanders for prescribing happy pills willy-nilly for nearly thirty years will soon be withdrawn.