Brexiters raptured immediately after Johnson accession

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As the 1922 Committee announced that Johnson had won the Conservative leadership concert, the delight and bliss experienced by hard Brexiteers that one of their own had finally secured the Premiership was so extreme that all true believers waiting to hear the results in Queen Elizabeth Hall immediately began to vibrate in a haze of light and ascend into heaven in individual beams of light, it has emerged.

Early reports suggest that all members of the ERG are gone. It has been said that an MP from a Remain constituency saw what was happening and instinctively grabbed the ankles of Mark Francois’s spirit as he was pulled upwards but Francois shouted ‘Let me go, let my people go!’ and managed to shake himself free. Iain Duncan-Smith’s soul (yeah, really) is reported to have had a smile on his face even wider than when Universal Credit was passed in parliament.

Jacob Rees-Mogg was heard to be singing a Gregorian chant as his slim figure rose upwards. Michael Gove’s essence was also reported to be seen soaring above and beyond with reusable plastic straws falling from his pockets like the trails of a firework. Outside the hall, it was reported that Kate Hoey was boating on the Thames and, as her substance sped upwards, the large motorboat she was captaining crashed into a nearby jetty.

In the aftermath, ‘remainers’ or ‘left behind’ were puzzled to see that Boris was still present in the hall and early speculation suggests that he wasn’t raptured because of the two articles he wrote for the Times, one deciding to leave the EU and one deciding to stay. The seven-year period of the End Times after the rapture means that Boris is unlikely to call an election now until 2025 and the next few days could be tricky in terms of forming a cabinet. There is also the practical issue of clearing away the discarded bodies of 52% of the population and Government departments have moved quickly to transfer all the immigrant seasonal-fruit pickers and hospital orderlies in the UK to bury the semi-dead.

Johnson is also likely to name Jeremy Hunt as Secretary of State for the Tribulation, the Northern Ireland Assembly will be restored as the DUP have evaporated (with same-sex marriage and a woman’s right to choose enshrined in law), Scottish Independence will be put on hold and the UK will win back the World Cup from Qatar and all pints will be free in Wetherspoons.

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Posted: Jul 24th, 2019 by

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