Larry, Downing Street’s most honourable resident, has spotted a filthy rat brazenly enter Number 10 via the back door, seemingly in pursuit of a pretty-posh young lady with a scent of blind ambition. The vermin has been identified as a Commons blonde rat (Rattus twattus) which breeds prolifically throughout the Home Counties. After reaching so-called maturity, individuals desert their partners and litters and feed on the droppings of more dominant rats. The species is remarkably avaricious, and will often resort to cannibalism.
‘If I don’t despatch this particularly fat rat soon, then it will bring a large infestation of subordinate rats,’ said Larry. ‘The blonde rat doesn’t behave quite like other vermin, more like parasites, and the host is unlikely to survive if they are just left to do their dirty business. But I’m sure I can bait it with an unregulated EU kipper.