The year 2016 has bowed to overwhelming public demand and consented to terminate itself with immediate effect. Despite being only a little more than half over, 2016 has been universally regarded as the worst year ever and it has apologised unreservedly for its conduct.
‘Whilst there is no excuse for me, I do hold 2015 partly to blame,’ said a tearful 2016 at a hastily convened press conference. ‘He was spending his last three days doing a hand-over, when completely out of the blue, he winked, said “Watch this” and caused Lemmy to keel over dead on the spot.’
‘I was a young, ambitious year and wanted to make a name for myself. Seeing the effect it had when musical icons got felled before their time gave me ideas and just eight days into my term of office, I thought “Bowie – they don’t come bigger than that”. Before I knew it, I had also terminated Glenn Frey, Victoria Wood, Keith Emerson, Prince and, um, the drummer from Mott the Hoople.’
In the end, 2016 admitted, his behaviour became addictive and ever more extreme, going from individual deaths to wider catastrophes like the EU referendum, England’s abject exit from Euro 2016 and the continuing disintegration of any feasible opposition to the most right-wing Tory government ever. From there, it was only a matter of time before he spiralled completely out of control, overseeing terrorist mass murders across the globe, from Paris and Brussels to Istanbul, Dhaka and Nice.
The calendar will now roll over to 1 January 2017 as of Sunday, so that the sequence of days in the week can be maintained. This will have the added advantage that Christmas, or ‘sodding Christmas’ as it is generally known, can be avoided.
‘Mind you,’ added 2016, ‘I would say I haven’t been completely bad, to be fair. Two words: Leicester City. And Ian Brady’s not long for this world, if that’s any help. Definitely scheduled that one for later … so, shall I just hang around long enough for the Olympics? … All right, all right, I’ll fuck off.’