The prime minster and Home Secretary Priti Patel have announced a recruitment drive for new police roles, to reduce rising crime rates on Britain’s Soap Operas.
EastEnders currently only features one ex-cop, Jack Branning, and he was bent. Coronation Street fairs slightly better with trainee bobby Craig Tinker, but he’s so useless he would hold the getaway car door open for an escaping bank robber.
When pressed on his plans for Emmerdale, Boris replied he never watched it, and couldn’t give a shit about the countryside anyway. However, if there were any left over from EastEnders, they could be redeployed as Nick Berry was in Heartbeat.
When asked about his plans for Hollyoaks, he admitted to being an avid viewer, However, he didn’t know what any of the characters actually did for a living, as he generally had his hands full at the time. He did agree the introduction of a few uniforms would be a good idea.
The College of Policing welcomed the pledge but warned of “logistical challenges”, partly because of concerns of a lack of instructors for training. ‘It is not just getting people through the doors’, its chief executive said. Priti Patel assured them getting through the doors would be the easy part as they had massive sledgehammers to help with that.
Home Office figures show that forces in England and Wales lost 20,564 officers between March 2010 and March 2019. Mr Johnson himself also presided over the largest ever loss of fake police in London when The Bill ended in 2010. Sun Hill Police Station closed for good and became a Staples Stationary Store. Since then the crime rate on the nearby imaginary Cockcroft Housing Estate, and Barton Street, had rocketed.
Mr Johnson said: ‘People want to see more officers in their neighbourhoods, protecting the public and cutting crime.’ He added,’Also on TV, and not just in well off areas such as Midsommer’.
The College of Policing welcomed the recruitment pledge as a “huge opportunity”, but warned that some forces were concerned they did not have enough training instructors and police stations to support a rapid expansion. Newly-appointed policing minister Kit Malthouse understands it is a ‘really big target to hit’ and they were aware of the issues which may arise. He said: ‘A surprising logistical issue that constrains the number of police officers is access to lockers. ‘Modern police officers carry a lot of equipment and that all has to be stored somewhere overnight, as they travel to and from their home – so finding locker space is going to be the key. Not just that, finding the keys to those lockers will also be key.’
This sentiment was echoed by the The Association of Prop and Costume Suppliers. However, Mr Johnson assured them they would have not problems kitting out their additional fiction Police Forces as he had closed down so many Police Stations in his time as London Mayor that, they should be able to pick up everything they need easily and cheaply from surplus stores and charity shops. ‘In fact,’ he added he, ‘ I know where there are a couple of water cannons going cheap, if they were thinking of staging any riots, or planning a new series of Total Wipeout’.
Which seems apt because his his time in office, just like his cabinet reshuffle, is likely to be a total wipeout.