As news that the UK’s newest PM and oldest blagger had installed his ‘lover’ in No.10, currency markets were forced to concede that he had probably already ‘spaffed on her heaving love-cushions’. This ghastly image caused the pound to sink, gorges to rise and the cleaners at Downing Street to ask for industrial bleach.
Despite their age gap, with Carrie born in 1989 and Boris 1789, both reportedly indulged their carnal lusts in the very same bed that Theresa May managed to screw an entire nation. Currencies may fluctuate, but Mr. Johnson’s ardour does not and he was able to perform a variety of bedroom contortions – mainly based on his Brexit position.
Although technically still married, Mr. Johnson has been technically married during all his marriages. Meanwhile Lib Dem Leader Jo Swinson refused to rule out jumping into bed with Boris – but understood that she would probably have to ‘get in line’.
Moving in together is a big step for any couple, although when Boris builds a bridge to your heart – it rarely gets built. Whether the pound will bounce back is unclear, with one trader admitting: ‘I deal in hard currency but after imagining BoJo coitus, nothing will ever be hard again’.