‘Don’t worry, we’ll look after all the animals’ promise oligarchs and sheiks

Farm animals

News that many UK farms face ruin and bankruptcy if the UK crash out of the EU without a trade deal has alerted oligarchs and sheiks around the globe.

Many farmers say they would simply go out of business if Boris Johnson follows through with his threat to leave the EU – ‘no ifs or buts’ – on 31st October however foreign investors across the Middle East and China are already believed to be eyeing up farmland and woodland across the UK, sensing that a fire sale of the British countryside is just around the corner.

The Qatar Investment Authority says they would definitely care for the countryside and look after all the sheep and cows and the chickens and horses (but not the pigs) as diligently as any farmer ever had.

Russian oligarchs also promised NOT to turn working farms into glorified grouse moors and would definitely not turn prime agricultural farmland into a rich mans plaything – despite the promise of huge subsidies from the UK government.

Chinese billionaires have also promised they would not turn valuable arable land into gigantic golf courses and nor would they chop down ancient woodlands to make way for a dozen multi berth heliports.

Some critics say that selling off the UK countryside is just the next stage in the Tory crusade to turn the nation into a plutocracy – a nation run by the rich for the rich.

But Jacob Rees-Mogg – whose family received £7m of taxpayers money to tart up one of their stately homes – hit back by pointing out that that deception had actually happened years ago but you were too busy watching Britain’s Got Talent, Strictly Come Dancing or Bakeoff and were just too dumb to even notice that public assets like your local police station, library, fire stations or Post Office had been sold off on the cheap to some tax evading Tory donating property developer.

The PM said selling off our vast sunlit uplands to the mega rich for a knock down price would be a good thing for the country, and as luck would have it, he even knew some jolly decent chaps he had dormed with at Eton who just might be interested in the odd farm or two.

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Posted: Aug 1st, 2019 by

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