British newspapers call them “the wealthy”, American right-wing nut-jobs refer to them as “wealth creators” and to the Conservative Party they are known simply as “donors”. The rest of us, however, call them “rich bastards”, but not for much longer if our new Prime Minister has his way.
In one of his first acts since weaselling his way into high office via the back door, Boris Johnson has officially decreed that from this day forth Eton toffs, corporate sociopaths, serf-beating landowners and perma-tanned tax-evaders shall be known as “high earners”.
This rebranding first jizzed into the public consciousness during Johnson’s leadership campaign when he pledged to introduce tax breaks for the UK’s “high earners” because, you know, they just aren’t rich enough already.
Rich bastards throughout the country reacted positively upon reading the news, probably in the Financial Times.
‘Just the other day, some costermonger referred to me as a rich bastard as I barged past him and his children in the street,’ explained hedge fund manager and moral vacuum Peregrine Fellowstone-Davenport. ‘I was so upset that I almost cried into my glass of Remy Martin Louis XIII cognac. Only £21,900 per bottle.’