The Ministry of Defence has been forced to release a blanket denial that Calais’ entrance to the UK is the portal to a fantasy kingdom of bounteous social benefits and friendly characters from classic British fiction. Sadly, immigrants have been flooding into the area under this mistaken belief that they will get to meet Aslan, hobbits and the cast of ‘Glee’.
Nightly, hundreds of desperate stowaways risk their lives to get a peek of the animals of Farthing Wood who they believe are waiting at the other end. One migrant admitted: ‘The UK is the land of milk and honey – resting on the backs of four huge elephants and one enormous space turtle. And where else can you claim child benefit for dependents living outside the UK, while at the same time sending you other kids to Hogwarts?’
Prime Minister David Cameron has issued a statement saying that the UK would not become a ‘safe haven’ for migrants and that sightings of a horny man-goat, were not Mr. Tumnus but Boris Johnson instead. A MoD spokeswoman explained: ‘Many great works of English literature have given a false impression that Neverland exists. And reports of any Lost Boys have already been submitted to the Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse.’
Guidelines issued by the MoD make it clear that at no point should people attempt to follow an agitated white rabbit with a pocket watch, down a tunnel marked ‘Eurostar’. The spokeswoman confirmed: ‘Our advice to those hoping to enter mythical Britain is to click your heels together three times and say; ‘There’s no claiming in-work benefits, there’s no claiming in-work benefits, there’s no claiming in-work benefits…’.’