The Army and police have called in obdurate Australian batsman Steve Smith to act as a permanent barrier against millions of gallons of water at the Toddbrook reservoir in Derbyshire, it has been confirmed.
The news will come as a relief to thousands of residents in the under-threat village of Marple, as well as millions of English cricket fans who are already fed up to the back teeth with him.
‘We’ve tried sandbags, and temporary structural fixes to shore up the wall’, said local chief of police Mike Davies. ‘But Smith offers a durable, more effective long-term solution. He’s totally impenetrable.’
‘Stress tests on Smith over the last couple of Ashes series have shown it’s one of the bloody hardest substances to break down’ confirmed structural engineer Moeen Ali. ‘Interestingly, its’ only weakness is that it is a bit susceptible to sandpaper and other rough surfaces, which has hit its reputation a bit’
Smith will be moved into place using an intricate helicopter drop. To ensure he ends up in the right position in the dam wall, the helicopter will lower him a few feet to the right and then get Stuart Broad to bowl one at him, with four slip fielders locking him into position with bolts once he shuffled across the crease.