Emotional scenes as porn mag prints last hard copy edition

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In what’s being described as “the end of an era” the last paper copy of a British porn magazine rolls off the presses today. Shaved and Horny now sits alone on the top shelf of Britain’s newsagents’, daring anyone to pick it up.

Its 79-year-old editor George Parsons admits the small family-owned publication has been battling competition from the Internet for some time now. “Due to the sedentary lifestyle of reclusive onanists”, he explains, “60 per cent of our readers are too obese or arthritic to reach for the top shelf in their local newsagent’s”.

“The hardcore porn industry has changed enormously since we started publication in 1960″, he says. “Back then, all the pictures were in black and white and our studs were obliged to wear a bow tie for all sex scenes, despite being naked from the neck down.”.

“We tried various marketing initiatives to keep our readers”, Mr Parsons goes on, “like our bingo special and pullout gardening section, but we didn’t want to sell out completely and go ‘full tabloid'”.

Many readers say they preferred the printed edition because it left no telltale trail of browsing history and could be crushed into a ball and eaten “to avoid detection in an emergency”. However, others pointed to the inconvenience of getting exact transfers of explicit sex scenes on to their hands due to the abysmal quality of the cheap printwork.

Mr Parsons hopes loyal readers will visit the magazine’s website instead, although he admits this is unlikely, as there are 15,000,000 such sites online, with a new one going up every four seconds.

Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg has bemoaned “the disappearance of one of the last thrills of traditional British boyhood – hunting for discarded jazzmags in hedgerows”.

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Posted: Aug 9th, 2019 by

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