Multi-billionaire sex criminal Brian Epstein might have been forced into suicide by being murdered, according to secret documents uncovered by yet-to-be assassinated journalists. Meanwhile, though, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, the Duke of Edinburgh, and a hundred other ultra-famous men have signed a letter in the New York Times today in which they deny the not-murdering of Epstein. It read:
We solemnly deny we conspired to send a top secret agent with a sinister face into the five star prison in which Mr Epstein was being entertained, having instructed said agent to remove the suicide watch from Mr Epstein’s wrist and administer a deadly poison between his big and second toe like in the movies. This poisoning would be untraceable when Mr Epstein took the tragic step of ending it all, had it happened, which it didn’t. We can all account for our whereabouts at the time of death (except the Duke of Edinburgh, whose idea of his whereabouts is still a bit hit and miss) and in any event all the top-secret assassins of the kind that categorically did not kill Mr Epstein are mostly on vacation at this time, as far as we could ascertain.
We send our condolences to Mr Epstein’s family and devoted group of young friends, and are saddened by the echoes of the death of Sir Robert Maxwell the instant coffee millionaire who tossed himself off on the back of his boat, rather than face the music that Jeffrey so loved to dance to with his young companions before not being massaged by them.
We look forward to investing in the Netflix movie in which the truth will finally be unravelled that Epstein brought all of this upon himself and was treated as fairly as the next man by the state of Florida, so famous for its oranges, crocodiles, golf courses and electoral discrepancies. When the movie goes into production, we would also like to be part of the casting process.
Love, Don, Vlad, Andy, and ninety-seven other regular guys who are totally innocent and barely knew Jeff in the first place, so why the fuss?