A government think-tank has pledged to resolve the age-old problem of ‘buying for ‘er indoors’ by streamlining women’s clothing sizing. ‘It’s ridiculous that you can have a squat fat woman and a tall streak of piss and both claim to be size ten,’ said a government spokesman today, adding. ‘How the hell is a man supposed to know what size clothes to buy?’
A menswear expert explained that the male sizing method, known throughout the clothing industry as the ‘Lard Index’ – often shortened to just ‘L’. These increase in size for those men who play darts and go out for a pint on Fridays to Extra Lard (XL), moving up to XXL for those with Sky Sports and so on until you reach Philip Green size (Lying-sack-of-XXXX). ‘It’s so simple, even a woman can understand it,’ he said.
‘By Christmas we’ll have a more sensible system for women’s sizing, based on their weight,’ explained the spokesman. ‘So that a woman weighing ten stones would be a size ten, a woman weighing twelve stone would be a size twelve, and so on,’ he added. ‘There would be sub categories of T, N and D for tall, normal and diminished-sized women. So all husbands have to do is ask their wife their weight – they should know if the missus is a dwarf or not by simple inspection – and then they can shop with confidence,’ he said.
In an unrelated announcement the government has suggested providing the NHS with an additional £1B for A&E in the run up to Christmas.