Daniel Jenkins, a 29 year-old bricklayer from Swansea was led away from his local pub in handcuffs yesterday evening after flaunting his psychopathic tendencies of eating bar snacks from open bowls.
‘I’ve known Dan for most of his life, and I thought he was a lovely lad’ claims one witness who chose not to be named. ‘I couldn’t believe it. One minute he was chatting about his fantasy football team, and the next, he grabbed a handful of nuts and shoved them in his gob. I had no choice but to ring the police. Communal nut bowls are a scourge to all decent and right-thinking society. First filthy bar snacks, next murder – it’s a behaviour pattern well-documented by Channel 4’s true crime output and we can’t be taking any chances.’
‘They’re covered in drunkard’s spittle, bogies, unwashed hand willy germs, and sweat particles from Cardiff fans.’ says stalwart landlady, 64 year-old Bethan Jones, reading the recipe that has stood the test of time. ‘It’s clear that whoever chooses to eat them is a wrong’un, so we just nip it in the bud before they can indulge their scant regard for human life in other ways.
‘The last man prior to Dan to out himself so violently was Rhodri Richards in 1975 – come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve actually refilled the nuts since then.’