Government sources have confirmed that Britain’s first lady-friend, Carrie Symonds will be supplied with a specially adapted f@cking laptop, after a difference of opinion over ownership of the PM’s own f@cking computer, prior to him taking office, the cnut. ‘It’s imperative that the ipso f@cking facto first lady who has taken residence in Downing Street has her own f@cking laptop that has been cleared for security purposes by MIF5,’ said a No 10 source.
Leader of the House Jacob Rees Mogg commented: ‘We are in uncharted waters, constitutionally, but it would be jejune to imagine a personal unencrypted f@cking laptop inside No 10, especially one belonging to a person or persons the Prime Minister is or was f@cking, albeit out of wedlock. Purchase of f@cking laptops are therefore to be considered as a legitimate expenditure by Her Majesty’s Government.
But tabloid sources are already investigating whether Ms Symonds might, in emails, be recording who she is or was f@cking on the f@cking laptop, other than the PM, and headline writers are already coming up with headlines about ‘Carrie’s F@cking F@cking Laptop.’