Man loses again in game of Russian Roulette with paper shredder

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A Daventry man was left rueing his luck once again after losing yet another duel with his Fellowes M8-C Cross cut paper shredder today.

Pete McBride, 42, made the ill-advised decision to try and put 7 sheets of paper through the shredder at once, knowing full well from the instructions and information printed on top of the shredding unit that under no circumstances should more than 6 pieces be attempted.

‘What can I say, I was feeling bullish’, reported a glum McBride, taking a break from trying a 4 hour attempt to hack half shredded bits of paper out of the now-jammed teeth of his machine, with a knife. ‘A couple of days ago I’d landed a six-horse accumulator at the bookies at 33000-1, and the local garage had just rung to say that my car had sailed through it’s MOT with no work needed. In fact they offered me a rebate for overcharging me last year. I thought my luck was in’.

‘But as soon as I’d loaded the paper in to the shredder, I knew I was in trouble’, continued McBride. ‘That slowing down of the whirring, the paper stopping moving, and the power supply clicking off. Is there any sound more depressing than that, knowing that you can’t do anything for at least another hour while it cools down?’

‘This has all the hallmarks of careless use of shredding technology, outside of the manufacturers advice’, noted shredding expert Peter Jones. ‘People need to be careful. An updated version of the Deerhunter film due out next year will replace the guns in the Russian Roulette scene with paper shredders, with the two main characters given a handful of foolscap paper and bank statements to insert in as few moves as possible without breaking the machine. But until then, stories like McBride’s should be a cautionary tale’.

‘I would wager that in McBride’s case, there was probably a slightly burnt plasticky smell as well, clearly indicating the insertion of an old bank card in the main shredder, rather than the littler hole on the top right of the unit designed specifically for such thick materials.

‘Either that, or the bucket was too full of shredded paper’, continued Jones, shaking his head. ‘There but for the grace of god.’

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Posted: Aug 16th, 2019 by

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