A two-man, two-woman, one-Great Dane team of young Americans has exposed the belief that the Earth is heading towards widespread famine and ecological disaster, as the work of a scheming fraudster. Team leader Fred explained that they were passing through Central London in their VW camper van when a recent copy of the Daily Express alerted them to a mystery.
Despite increasing talk about global warming, recent winters have often been quite cold. ‘We suspected there might be something odd going on, so we split into two teams,’ Fred told reporters. ‘Me, Daphne and Velma looked in the basement at the Met Office, while Shaggy and Scooby were sent to explore the newsroom of a little-known newspaper called The Guardian which had been publishing some of these made-up stories.’
Shaggy and Scooby then blundered into a nearby deserted mansion called The Hare & Hounds and ate the entire lunch set out for the Science & Policy editorial team. They were chased out by an angry mob of journalists waving expense claim forms. ‘Then a tall figure covered in white appeared and Scooby went ‘G-g-g-ghost!’ and started running around madly on the spot,’ added Fred. ‘We reunited and chased the ghost through the climate laboratories of the University of London, where the ‘ghost’ was cornered and unmasked.’
To the team’s surprise, it was not their first suspect, notorious liberal Prime Minister Theresa May, but Charlie the caretaker. ‘Charlie’ was then identified as the disguised US Secretary of State John Kerry, a prominent advocate of environmentalism who had called climate change ‘another weapon of mass destruction’.
‘It’s true,’ said Kerry as he was led off to a federal penitentiary. ‘I whipped up a fictitious climate scare so that the eco-technology companies I have shares in could make me a fortune and good, honest multinationals could be put out of business. And I’d have gotten away with too, it if it hadn’t been for those pesky, meddling kids.’
All across the world, people paused momentarily from buying their new 4x4s to laugh heartily as Fred concluded: ‘The only ‘green movement’ John’s going to be involved with from now on is being the new bitch for all the 20-stone serial killers in the prison showers! Ah, no, hang on, that doesn’t quite work, does it…?’