Jo Swinson demands ‘more comfortable’ diamond shoes

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Having spent three years insisting on a referendum and no Hard Brexit, now that she has been offered them, the Lib Dem leader has decided that this gift-wrapped present needs to come with a crystal bathtub, a Champaign trunk and a diamond-encrusted putter. Despite having everything she has asked for, she insisted that the Leader of the Opposition should be replaced ‘by someone taller’.

A spokeswoman for Jo Swinson explained: ‘We firmly believe Jeremy Corbyn does not control a majority in the House of Commons, but Brad Pitt would. Mr. Pitt has a proven track record of successful movies, he has a cute little butt and an arse that won’t quit’.

The Lib Dem leader unveiled her list of ‘realistic’ demands, which included her own personal trailer, a tub of skittles, but only the yellow ones and a pet Dodo. Furthermore Jo Swinson insisted that someone change the shade of referendum to ‘vanilla mist, with a hint of natural calico and almond white’.

Some have questioned whether the Lib Dem leader is as sincere in her desire to avoid Brexit, as she is in her desire to avoid having to rub her cheek against Mr. Corbyn’s scraggly beard. The spokeswoman confirmed: ‘When asking for the moon on a stick, it is not unreasonable to ask for a bespoke, hand-crafted stick and moon sculpted from the Elgin Marbles – oh, and a private concert from Beyonce’.

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Posted: Aug 17th, 2019 by

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