After four long years as head of his party, beleaguered Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn has finally had enough of being piggy in the middle to Conservative oiks, who only throw the key to Number 10 to each other, denying him even the briefest look-in.
At the annual cross-party beach picnic today, Corbyn put on a spectacular show of childish behaviour – the likes of which the House of Commons hasn’t seen since last week – turning a deep shade of beetroot, stomping his feet, throwing his head back and screaming:
‘THIS IS SO UNFAIR, YOU NEVER LET ME WIN. I DON’T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!’
Unfortunately, his impassioned declaration only fanned the flames, as Prime Minister Boris Johnson mimed handing him the key before letting out a giggle, snatching it away and running past him gaily waving it just out of reach like a burning tenner in front of a homeless person.
This proved the final straw for the Labour leader, who crossed his arms and stormed a good distance away whilst looking back over his shoulder every two steps to see if anyone was still watching.
‘I’ve never seen anything like it!’ claimed one shocked back bencher. ‘He only stopped short of storming over to the dinner lady to declare that the Tories were being mean to him and not letting him have a turn! A bit of a shame really, because I do think Bercow would suit the perm and tabard duo.’
One prominent member of the shadow cabinet who did not wish to be named amid libel fears, tried to look downcast whilst shaking their head at the tragedy of the situation, but were unsuccessful in hiding their glee.
‘He’s right. Four years is a long time. At this point I fear that much like Cameron’s porcine friend, he’s fucked.’
Hat tip to Titus