Runners ‘silently judging you’ says report


Joggers who appear not to notice you as they run past are in fact making damning judgements about your weight and lifestyle, a new report has revealed. One keep fit fanatic confessed ‘Yes, we have found you wanting… a cream bun, you fat bastard. ‘Pork Goblin’, ‘Dead by 50′ and ‘I find your physically repulsive’ are all judgements I have made as I run past non-joggers’.

‘If running is not your life, we can never be friends’ confirmed another runner with a tear inducing physique. ‘That’s not to say I would run past if you were on fire, but you wouldn’t be so combustible if you ate less saturated fat. Do you even MapMyRun? I sleep on a rowing machine.’

Self confessed couch potato Rod Flynn admitted they are right.

‘I have eschewed the pursuit of physical perfection and transparent space food to debauch myself on the deadliest snacks known to man. I may be little more than an amorphous calorie-bag moving with glacial certainty toward some kind of terrible cardiovascular disaster, but I do it so you can be beautiful. Forget not my sacrifice or my portion chips. Yes chips with Chinese. No, that’s normal. Look, I don’t advise you on how to metabolize.’


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Posted: Aug 19th, 2019 by

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