Mr Bennett, the accident-prone caretaker from 80s kids-TV classics Take Hart and HartBeat has, in a surprise move today, put himself forward to form a time-limited UK government to overthrow the Johnson administration and precipitate a general election.
Bennett, speaking from a messy but clearly much loved old artists’ studio in White City, London, pointed to his vast experience in clearing up other people’s shite, and how he had an uncanny ability to help in the resolution of seemingly intractable and implausible scenarios.
‘Brexit won’t be a problem’, said Bennett, adopting a characteristic side-glance to camera with forced grin. ‘Piece of piss compared to some of the situations I faced with that little piece of plasticine, Morph. Unlike Corbyn, you see, I’m able to mould people to my will. Well, in the case of Morph, I moulded him to the wall, but not till after the cameras had stopped rolling and Tony had gone off to judge the entries in The Gallery’.
On hearing the news, a number of other fictional caretakers immediately threw their hats into the ring, including the irascable Hogwarts caretaker Argus Filch, Mr Treeger from Friends, Derek Guyler from Please Sir, the janitor with Winston the cat from The Bash Street Kids, Curtis, the caretaker of St Helen of the Blessed Shroud, and Tommy Cockles. Henry the Mild-Mannered Janitor from Hong Kong Phoey has pledged to sort Brexit with a single karate chop, and a little behind the scenes help from the cat, of course.
Jack Torrance from the Shining has also been suggested in some quarters as a potential caretaker, although it is thought that Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell was already planning to axe his way manically into the Commons chamber shouting ‘Here’s Johnny’ when the Corbyn administration takes over.
Hat-tips Sir Lupus, Titus, Chipchase, El Perro, nickb, beau-jolly