Pensionable age to be set by Joseph Heller


A leaked memo has revealed that the Government is considering raising the state pension age to ‘one day after your heart stops working’. At 75, this pension will be past the life expectancy of parts of the UK and only obtainable if you are a White Walker or Dr. Who.

This Catch 22 scenario, will see many workers dying in service, with most HR Departments being replaced by Co-op funeral care. Instead of retiring with a golden watch, most employees will have a viking funeral, with any unfinished paperwork used as kindling.

It also begs the question, what are we paying National Insurance for? If no one gets a pension and the NHS will have been privatised, does the remaining money fund a team of undertakers, whose sole job is to remove the pissed-off expression and the word ‘sucker’ from your face?

For a younger generation, pensions will be a thing of the past, like affordable housing, glaciers and movies that do not have Spiderman in them. Said a government spokeswoman: ‘Everyone will get a pension, provided they don’t have a pre-existing medical condition, like death’.

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Posted: Aug 20th, 2019 by

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